If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I wish I were this cool 😂
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard