My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body