[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!