Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do