After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
step 6: release the wall snake
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Fights fire with marshmallows
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.