Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy