Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Real House Wines.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.