Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The police never think its as funny as you do.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.