7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
new wife guy just dropped
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
When your man makes a valid point