I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Just me?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”