GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Ah yes. The three genders
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
(yawn)
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?