i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.