Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.