If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!