Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You Might Also Like
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.