you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Breaking news:
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
his wife is probably gonna see that
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
titanic
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.