google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.