Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
first you must answer his riddles
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine