ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor