The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.