Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵