[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The biggest mystery of our time
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house