overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them