Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*watches the world burn*
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
🔦🌙👣
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy