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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
me: where do you live?
schr枚dinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
It鈥檚 almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you鈥檙e more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don鈥檛 do the work
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.