Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.