I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Cause of death: Zumba
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.