Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.