“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
you stereotypes are all alike
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave