A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
life finds a way
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The government even made aliens boring
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.