Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
look at me when i’m typing to you
me: my friends:
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.