Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”