If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
You Might Also Like
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Last-minute gift idea!
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]