I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Interior design 👌
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Chemical wingman
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me