If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
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Woke up against my better judgment again
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Battery falling down a hole
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.