Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
the council will decide your fate
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork