Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.