Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.