Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.