My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.