There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Cucumbers Anonymous
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Strangers have the best candy.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.