Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
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I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”