[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.