I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important