We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
me logging onto twitter
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”