Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.