(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
You Might Also Like
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
thank god the sign was there
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.