I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Well, shit
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.