If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Yes, this is exactly right
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.