My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog